Change.
It's a bitch.
Like for real... I'm not even playing.
And I don't always like it.
Ok - my family is laughing now - because I actually have NEVER liked it.
I've been resistant to change most of my life. I'd like to say it's because I'm very loyal and like the structure of routine (at times) ... but I don't even know if that's it. I've just never liked change.
I GET it. I understand it has to happen. I know it's important to change.
But I don't like it. And I have resisted... A LOT.
I've kept myself in unhappy situations because I was resistant to change - friendships, relationships, jobs.
I've kept myself from growing in so many ways because I didn't want to make a change.
I’ve missed out on opportunities because I didn’t allow things to change.
I thought I was handling myself ok, too. Ha
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And then something happens that pulls the rug out from underneath you, whops you sideways, and turns your world upside down, backward, and inside out. And you are forced to change many things.
But it seems the biggest and most important change for me was perspective.
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I've suffered all my life with menstrual cramps and just thought it was the way my body was made and that I would just have to deal with it. Nothing was ever "wrong”, and all my tests and labs always came back normal. So, I just dealt with it every month.
Until I couldn’t anymore.
In 2018, after a long, long time of dealing with cramps that were getting worse and hip and joint pain that didn’t make sense, I found myself having to have an ultrasound.
And then an MRI.
The result was a volleyball-sized uterus. Actually, a “boggy” uterus was the term they used. Nothing “happened”, my body did this to itself.
And it wasn’t going to get better.
So in 2018 at the age of 46, single and with no children, I had to have a hysterectomy.
If I thought change was a bitch, I was damn sure not ready for GRIEF.
THAT was a world-class Bitch.
And during the grief process and the recovery and healing process afterward, what I DID NOT expect was the reexamination of my entire life that I would go through.
I was not ready for that. And that “change-resistant” part of me was NOT having a good time either.
But… I made it through, with an amazing support system and lots of love and God’s grace and mercy. Thank you, Lord!
(You may think I’m glossing over that period like it was an ok thing and I handled it ok. I did not. It was not ok. It sucked in more ways than I could ever explain and it was the hardest thing I’ve ever gone through. I just don’t want to go into it all right now. If you’ve experienced anything similar, I’m sending you lots of love.)
And I changed…A LOT!
Actually, I think I would say it changed my entire world – and most definitely, my perspective.
I looked at things differently.
I looked at people differently.
I looked at the world differently.
I looked at myself differently.
I was actually ready to make changes. And I did!
Some were fun, but a lot was NOT fun. But I still kept moving forward.
I lost friends, but also gained better boundaries.
I lost income, yet also gained a better understanding of my purpose.
I let go of this crazy idea of the way my life was “supposed” to be and looked at what it was and what it had the capacity to be!
In one exact same instance, I had the thought that my life was “over” AND that I got to “paint my canvas” anyway I wanted.
Now that was bizarre, let me tell you! Having a negative and then completely reversed thought in the same moment was a wild experience.
But it was like it shook my snow globe of life up and my perspective started to change.
Which brings me here-
At present, I’m in my 10th year of being the House Director (House Mom) for the Alpha Chi Omega chapter at Georgia Tech.
And it will also be my last.
For the last 10 years, this has been my permanent address. I have overseen this house and the hundreds, maybe even thousands, of women who have come through here since August of 2011. I have lived in and among these women, eating with them and sharing life with them and I have loved every single minute of it. (sometimes - ;))
But it’s time for the next step. It’s time for me to move into the next chapter of my life and embrace the change that is coming.
And let me tell you truly how that perspective shift affected me because here’s what I know…
My higher power, whom I call God, knew what I needed. Even when I didn’t.
He knew that I would need this place, this comfortable place filled with people who loved and supported me and with whom I loved and supported so that I could spread my wings and discover a new career and path in music.
He knew that I would need to be in a place where I got to be “mom” to 200 women a year and deal with all of the ins and outs and stress of that, and still love it!
He knew that I would need time and a place to heal because I would find out that I would not be able to have my own children, but then I would remember how many “children” I have had the privilege of having for these 10 years.
And He knew that I would need time to heal mentally and emotionally so I could make the next steps with a clearer mind and heart and not react out of pain.
So here we are.
And oddly, I’m actually ready to embrace the change.
But while I’m leaving this house and these women, they will always be a part of me. It has been the most transformative time in my life, and I will look back on these 10 years with such love, joy, and immense gratitude.
But it’s time…
… time to allow ME the opportunity to grow.
… time to focus on the things that truly make me happy and give them a chance to flourish.
I won’t be far.
I’m actually moving back to my home in South Carolina, but I will still be performing with ThunderGypsy and I will still be teaching and coaching online. (I’ve torn up that stretch of I85 before, I ain’t afraid to do it again)
When the word Journey came to my mind as my “word of the year”, I knew it was the correct one. Because I knew this would be happening and this change would definitely be a journey since I was actually choosing to make the change this time and it was going to be a new experience.
I hope you’ll join me on this Journey throughout 2021 and beyond.
Because as Effie White says…
Look at Me.
I AM CHANGING